Part and marshal

Purple sky darkens 

I cannot apologize for this present marking 

Sealed with my lonely life

Peeled like a bone thife 

Marshal right

Why I’m so cold, distant from plight 

Partly my thoughts, partly my fright 

Scared like I am 

Of all these thing that can and have

Traumatized by their shouts and fights 

Mind anexity going at the speed of light 

Part and marshal, white distance frightful

Will any grass grow in my barren mind?

Salted as it is by hate, cold, hard, fire and brimstone that isn’t even real

It’s my birth of the color 

Caution, doors open outside your head but inside your mind

And mine were shut such a long time ago 

You were the only one who ever opened them 

I hold a card with the moon

Fruit cake. Fresh and ready to age.

Old cirious books. Cold weather.

Guitar heroine, in blond hair.

I hold this card

Little bit of paper

I’m nothing here

I not

Visit you

I’m sorry. 

Hollow now, I stand

The wombat I drew

I’m not even sure it got to you

I couldn’t come

I hold this card with the moon 

And I just can’t stop thinking about 

How I couldn’t visit you 

Rick and brother

1. I’m just as bad as all of the rest

Telling the truth today 

It’s just a featherweight fighting for rate

Getting the bell because it’s used

Stony sand and a beer in a half pint 

Singing with motorcycles blooms 
Chorus:

But I don’t see how

Rick and his brother still love 

It’s all 9 hells and a few more to quell

Just down and down and down and down

2. I’m just as hurt as the man in the pond

Shooting up black opium

Hark the herald devils singing you home

Warehouse spaces left empty

Homeless emotions see the memory

Murder distance from trendil energies 

Hidden

NB: this is from my personal archive of poetry.

 

Closed inside my mind
I feel so tight
intwined
oversized
in doubt
no one to shout
no one to shudder
chartered and begotten
I want to belong
I don’t feel a part
Of this life
anymore

It’s not me
It’s not me
To feel this way I am so unfree
To feel this way I am so unfree
Make me whole

shadows you cast
the darkness is sort
the blackness of nought
the shades of shimmered shame
I shielded by my own innocence
my exposure is a discourse
a thinking sin-course
I no longer can stand it
I want no more part of it
I have to be free from it

It’s not me
It’s not me
To feel this way I am so unfree
To feel this way I am so unfree
Make me whole

moonrise
moonrise
moon shall rise tonight

moonset
moonset
moon shall set tonight

and in the darkness
just before dawn
there is a human
whose thoughts are lost and forlorn
whose night did not pass
whose name is known
was a mighty warrior shot down in the gloom

It’s not me
It’s not me
To feel this way I am so unfree
To feel this way I am so unfree
Make me whole

I need to express myself
I need to be free
I feel no longer this way about me

Take me home
Take me out
Take me to my love
Or just shoot me then shout

Let me make
My own mistakes
shelter me no more
from the world of the beef stake
the slaves who make shoes
the payers of rules
the knights who say ni
the seamless cloth
approach to management
the philosophy of dais

deus ex mechana
nullus anxitas
nill combustomus pro fumo

Closed inside my mind
I feel so tight
intwined
oversized
in doubt
no one to shout
no one to shudder
chartered and begotten
I want to belong
I don’t feel a part
Of this life
anymore

I am no longer hidden

Carapace and stillness

An old beachfront is drying Oceans once were full now dry

Death stench now gone

Replacement is the carapace or corpses

Preaching over this new desert

White bones, dark sky

No rain will fall

My salty tears 

The only wet thing left

Reassuring pain

Sometimes pain is hateful. Sharp, like a needle or a peice of ice. 

Fire in your leg

Knots in your arm 

Knives in your back

Sometimes it’s reassuring though

An old friend who has 

Come to visit

You don’t like her 

You don’t hate her

She brings some sweets and a bottle of wine

They aren’t the kind you like

But then she’s and old friend

You have known her for so long

You’re not really sure how you met

At a party or at the vets?

She has one of those cats

black as the ace of clubs

Down the early morning due

Hits your grass outside 

You remember she stayed the night on your couch

You both got rascally drunk and ate to much 

She’s sleeping their in short denim shorts 

A top that reveals more cleavage than it hides

Black odd squiggly tattoos 

A necklace that’s full of black beads

Cheep but also pretty 

Her dark black hair drapes down

Those bloody big earnings with the triangles

You know she will wake soon 

Maybe you will still be friends and you make her breakfast 

Or she’ll just get up and go to work 

She’s reassuring though 

Right now

She helped reminds you

Your alive still

Somehow 

It’s always going to be like this

But in a way

You don’t mind 

Copper heart

I’m empty in a crowd sometimes Their is a little sadness in my mind 

A phase of the fellowship we shared 

Now gone to a place I cannot find 
Else your taking the path of pains

Iced winds digging veins on my face

Unless close to this faded cloud 
Copper my heart, cross my mind

Blind to the thoughts that crafted

Still as a photograph it’s me
Dust and molted pain flows on winds 

Cast gaze to me please I wisper

I’m going through it all day 
What’s the thing done with this play? 

Acrid lonelyness insisted

I’m

Bathed

In a statement 

The acrid 

Stink

The acid lonelyness

I’m not like that 

I’m not sure what I am

Bells toll on your words

Acrid days 

On the insisted distance 

I’m lonely. Not one of each of the nine.

I’m not even one of those who have

Or haven’t

Where do I belong? 

Called. Cast. Culled. Places like a spit.

Fires on my skin

The acrid

Arid days

Insidious minds

They, tell, me, to….

Survive.

My acrid lonelyness is insisted

Like a ghostly connection 

I’m not going to be meeting perfection

Misreable kingdom of sticky things that hit

Turning a blind

I’m loneliness

So I wander

Wander and call

Forme kind to answer 

Their are none. None here. 

My acrid lonelyness insisted 

Cell on a dime

Last meals of dead dog fish

It’s a peculiar dish

Walebone spoon, the atomic clouds loom

Dimes of soil, raining from the sky. 

All those silly little lies, lies, lies.
Capsules of hate, grading the best thoughts

I’m sure you’ve all bought

A ticket, to your own distarster

Don’t blame us, you were the fathers

All those silly little lies, lies, lies
Haven’t heeded the warning warming

Filling up the beach, 

little patter of feet

Worth and toils, to the sound of the meek

All those silly little lies, lies, lies
(Chorus)

Cell on a dime 

One last time 

Will we survive 

This fire filled time

All those silly little lies, lies, lies

  

Ovipositor

– This is a poem about dysphoria I felt in high school and how it returns to me sometimes,
even post transition. It’s about my past, present and my future. Its one of the poems I have tried to get into a poetry journal without success. I search for feedback on how to make thing better.

0. Ovipositor

It’s like a ovipositor

It’s not one thing or the over

It looks like them

The ones who have made me cry, alienated me from myself

1. Wasp

I’m like a wasp

All the hive is buzzing

All of them busy grey things in this nest

I’m trying to be like them

Trying

I’m doing the same things

I’m wearing the same full body grey suit

I’m helping with this grey mass we build

Mud, it’s so perfect a metaphor for my life

I’m like the sunshine on this mud

Heating it, hating it, making it solid

Into more hive

Strife, in a hive is dealt with quickly

I’m not sure why I wasn’t

They did that thing, the attack

The strike

The clipping

I’m not sure I can fly anymore

But they didn’t kill me

Like all the others

Ovipositor

I’m sure of it

2. Hive

On this day

This hateful day

Our grey bodies

Ready to go outside

I’m stuck in hear, in my mind at least

Leave the hive, but not really

I’m still grey

3. Cave

It’s dark

Cliff above us to the outside

One of them

Those others that pretend that I’m one of them

They drop a knife

It falls millimeters from my head

Anyone else see it?

That I was nearly dead?

Nope

I’m told to take the knife back

All the way up the cliffs

Carry the weapons of my enemies

I’m broken inside

I’m dead inside

I’m never going to escape the grey

4. Hyena

I’m in the library?

Not a wasp right now

I’m a reader

Reading about a hyena

Vagina that’s like mine

I’m a hyena?

I’m not, but I am

My piece, my bit feels like that

On the outside it looks like

On the inside

In my mind

It’s not

5. Escape

I’m out of the hive

Not in grey

I’m out

I’m me

I’m no longer pretending

But how long?

How long was it before?

I was outside

Still in their grasp

Like a dog?
6. Dog

I’m trained

I’m trying to be them

I’m pretending

I’m also trained

Like me, barking, sniffing, digging, pissing

But secret, shhhh I’m not. I just pretend

I’m not a good barker

7. Ovipositor (2)

I’m not pretending anymore

I still have my ovipositor

But I’m me

In many ways

One day, one day I can

Be all me

All I want to be

For now?

I’m as me as I can be

Ask me and I will say so