The light can be

Drops of blood, Searing in the lights

Shunted forward by dry winds, efforts to breathe

Slow rough teeth

Coughing, cups of phlegm, hate

Wishing for the night, respite from heat, but just as dry

Cry, I no longer do that

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Ovipositor

– This is a poem about dysphoria I felt in high school and how it returns to me sometimes,
even post transition. It’s about my past, present and my future. Its one of the poems I have tried to get into a poetry journal without success. I search for feedback on how to make thing better.

0. Ovipositor

It’s like a ovipositor

It’s not one thing or the over

It looks like them

The ones who have made me cry, alienated me from myself

1. Wasp

I’m like a wasp

All the hive is buzzing

All of them busy grey things in this nest

I’m trying to be like them

Trying

I’m doing the same things

I’m wearing the same full body grey suit

I’m helping with this grey mass we build

Mud, it’s so perfect a metaphor for my life

I’m like the sunshine on this mud

Heating it, hating it, making it solid

Into more hive

Strife, in a hive is dealt with quickly

I’m not sure why I wasn’t

They did that thing, the attack

The strike

The clipping

I’m not sure I can fly anymore

But they didn’t kill me

Like all the others

Ovipositor

I’m sure of it

2. Hive

On this day

This hateful day

Our grey bodies

Ready to go outside

I’m stuck in hear, in my mind at least

Leave the hive, but not really

I’m still grey

3. Cave

It’s dark

Cliff above us to the outside

One of them

Those others that pretend that I’m one of them

They drop a knife

It falls millimeters from my head

Anyone else see it?

That I was nearly dead?

Nope

I’m told to take the knife back

All the way up the cliffs

Carry the weapons of my enemies

I’m broken inside

I’m dead inside

I’m never going to escape the grey

4. Hyena

I’m in the library?

Not a wasp right now

I’m a reader

Reading about a hyena

Vagina that’s like mine

I’m a hyena?

I’m not, but I am

My piece, my bit feels like that

On the outside it looks like

On the inside

In my mind

It’s not

5. Escape

I’m out of the hive

Not in grey

I’m out

I’m me

I’m no longer pretending

But how long?

How long was it before?

I was outside

Still in their grasp

Like a dog?
6. Dog

I’m trained

I’m trying to be them

I’m pretending

I’m also trained

Like me, barking, sniffing, digging, pissing

But secret, shhhh I’m not. I just pretend

I’m not a good barker

7. Ovipositor (2)

I’m not pretending anymore

I still have my ovipositor

But I’m me

In many ways

One day, one day I can

Be all me

All I want to be

For now?

I’m as me as I can be

Ask me and I will say so

Mind Junkie

Fruity drinking modernists, whispering bourgeois platitudes whilst encased in mud encrusted realism’s

“Oppressive details of modernity, its Dirty realism” they whisper

As they sip their green drinks, among disinfected franchises

“Extradites of the simplistic. It’s like watching a soapy.”

One of them laughs at the idea. “Soapy. Clean plots, unclean people.”

I am not sure I am welcome in this domain of this self-hating temple

“Dystopian narratives?”, my question seeming to be sitting on the air like a ignorant child’s observation of the obvious

Looking long, and drinking some more, then Tweedy waves his hand at the effervescence silence.

“Not always. A possessive obsession of those, things we consider dirty.” He tastes the words like a snake, waiting to see if the air is deflated of my question

Seriously, a stuck up Hat-man, such a brown nose he has I thought, he doesn’t realize how much we need the junk, how we need to realize we need to recycle it, compost it, re-purpose it, let it influence us, and how it influences him

“Oh Tweedy, oh tweedie, you are but a mind junkie, kindled by the thrash of so called unclean. As much as you would hate to admit it. Cycles are needed, feeding into each other, like rivers. Of course any second now you will ask me to stick to just one metaphor. But I ask you, why should junk like me do that, you take our freshest mud and excrement, say “oh look at that, how silly this low brow thing is” and then you let it come in stay like a stray cat. It likes to sit and wait, then one day, you will realize you feed it just as much as you feed the dig dog who barks at all your supposed wrong.”

I pick up his drink, drink his drink, smile at him, and walk out without another word. Ready to cover the world in the words of the so called trash of the real. This dirty realism, it isn’t so much dirty as it is a part of the whole cycle. Live with it. Let it in. Feed it. Morals from the hang ups of a culture who hasn’t worked out how we talk to each other.

 

 

 

 

Bittersweet amplitudes

Banana peels on the seat next to me

Feelings of bitterness from a few angry old fashioned  men

Grumpy cats in suits, waiting for fish for their own horrible catch

Sucking on a cough lollipop 

Coffee smelling jackets, sweet feelings of silken cloth on my legs

Little bit more of a sudden drop in the way things move around 

My top ten songs 

My top ten songs
I wrote quite a few non fiction articles in my time online. Some I’m not proud of. Some hide in the deepest reaches of the early Internet. The things am proud of are my few but, I think at least half way decent music reviews. I wrote a few for a blog then known as Tomarto Records Monthly. It’s now known Tomatrax and is edited by Richard. I enjoyed writing a little piece to help celebrate the fact that Richard has had his music reviews, interviews, etc. going for a good solid 10 years. A feat well worth celebrating, sharing, and having been a fairly small part of.

Hope you like it.

Transgender requiem

I’m stuck. 
In a whole of my own despair

Punk? I don’t care what you think
I’m past caring and not into hating you

I’m going to have another drink

Or three

I’ll tell you a tale

Ha! I’m the fucking cross that takes all the nails

Of the fucking woe that befalls my fellow trans 

Excuse me? You know you’re phobic


Those people 

You know who they are 

The blood on their hands

What a work is a rotting man?

More that you’ve ever imagined that they can have

More every day


Instead of protecting us? They tell us which loo to piss in

Makes a good joke on the tv you know. Do they know how much it hurts?

Take away our very existence 

Apparently telling our parents about ourselves is paramount, but what if we never have a home after?

We have to hide ourselves till we finally feel safe

If it’s not our parents, it’s everyone else

Safe? It’s new we were we are, concerned?

They tore at my flesh with bare hands


I’m was so scared of the after 

“Burn gay fag, burn” they said. 

Hide, hide, behind all the closed doors

Give in and your dead

Hide, hide, love is the beast in the Pandora’s box 

Hope doesn’t even exist anymore 
Trees, my savior, my home, books my sanctuary, little bits of information my requiem

Hiding like a koala does, or a mole

Trying out little secrets, covering the secrets in spells, covered by rituals, covered by spire of spite, and never come to use it to fight 

It’s a little more like the little bit of light

The library, holding deep secrets, hide yours in it, keeps them safely hidden

Like your fate.


I ask you little one

Where is the transgender mafia?

If they existed

If they were real

I wouldn’t have to deal with the other ones

Them. 

Requiem, the company of our souls, for even they are cursed by these people