Wind flowing past brushing gently against her naked skin. Silky leaves tussling like bad hair on a winters day. The noise of frogs and crickets, cicada and owls, foxes punctuating with their baby like cries, they all filled up the air. A cup overflowing with noise.
Zil could stay here forever and more. Standing here at the edge of the water, an angel on the edge of a cloud, watching the cool world below. Fish swimming in no apparent pattern a mortal could ascertain. Leaves and grass floating with gay abandon, they are brown and green.
Zil tried to count how many green, how many brown. Then as she was up to 25 green, 5 brown an insect landed on the pond. She smiled. A fish swam up and in contrary to popular thought the insect grew 1000 times its size and ate the fish.
This was her world.
Then she woke.
Really it had been harder than she had expected. Taking her clothes off had always been the most difficult part. It was due to the teasing, they had called her a boy and she often couldn’t help but imagine one time she would take off her trousers and underpants to find she had become a he. She had dreams about it for a time. But also dreams about having breasts, often comically large. It was still hard, but only when undressing somewhere public, the pool, gym, and the store change room. These are all places she avoided if at all possible. Order online, swim in your own pool or when the public pool was empty and don’t go to the gym or get changed at home. Every now and again she had this urge to make sure she was the same clothes size. Then Devine ended up like this.
Half naked, crying, in a store cubical.
That was what her father had said. Cold hearted bastard, mother had divorced him when she was 2. He still somehow got visitation of her and that meant he could play his mind game on her, or her mother through her. He also called her a boy, pathetic when she cried even made her feel like he didn’t love her. But then she had made it as women he seemed proud and happy. It made as much sense as anything else in the enigma garden that was her fathers mind.
It still hurt her, those words.
How could she get out of this?
Tam was having a bad day. It wasn’t unusual for her. They came as freely as the sun and moon. It was as if they poor freely from the open wounds of the sky. So on this usually crappy day Tam had no breakfast. Walked to work from her really small apartment which she shared with her hopelessly pretty but gay housemate Steve. He always seemed happy and was getting married soon, he was moving out leaving her with the full rent for the small concrete box she called home. Then she got a call from her ex- boyfriend/stalker about some sort of money he still owed her (it was she decided a dead loss to expect it back at this stage). Then she had to open the store as her manager was late again. Finally a girl was crying in one of the cubicles.
She approached cautiously hoping she didn’t have to call security to get the door open.
More sobs but quieter.
“Hello in there. Are you alright.”
Less sobs. Then “I don’t know”
It was weak, like a kitten on it’s first day out.
“it’s ok, I am sure it will be ok.” Tam thought maybe I can talk to her for a bit, sounds like her day has been just as if not more than shitty mine. We have that in common.
“I am not a boy.”
That was unexpected. This is a real problem. Not like mine.
“ok I thought I saw you choose the blue dress, is it not fitting you?”
Best make a topic of conversation away from the topic of being or not being male.
“I haven’t tried it yet.”
“ok, ok, that’s ok. You don’t have to try it.”
“I want to.”
“ok. Thats fine. You can do that to.”
“i … I … I don’t like myself.”
“I am sure your lovely”
“why?” weak again.
“your voice is beautiful” Tam said with confidence.
Some ruffling sounds were produced. Then silence.
Devine opened the door to reveal a wet face in a sea of blue dress.
“I hope I look as pretty as I sound.” She meeped.
“You do.” Tam hugged her, it seemed appropriate.
Then the fire alarm went off.
It had been an ordinary day. That was what he remembered most about it. Adam had known he was gay since he was 10 or so and it was on a day just like this one. He had started by going to the park, as usual for a 10 year old boy with no other pressing summertime commitment. His farther had died the winter before last and his mother had since then let him do pretty much as he pleased. So he went to the park and met his first love. It was not planned, it happened in a instant.
His name was Pedro. A Mexican immigrant with forbidden eyes and just enough of a sense of adventure to play cops and robbers in the old abandoned warehouse next to the park. Adam remembered clearly that first game with Pedro. It had been marvelous.
“Hi I am Pedro. ” He had said with a heavy accent “I like your shorts.”
Adan didn’t think there had been anything to remarkable about them but thanked him anyway. “Thanks, I am Adam. Adam Adropolis”
“Want to play in the old warehouse? It’s really cool.”
Adam nodded. Seemed like an adventure.
The warehouse was completely unremarkable, you got in via a big gap in the old fence. It was single story with a big wood floor that squeaked when you walked on it. Boxes of old newspapers sat strewn around like bones that a fox had been at. After briefly exploring, Pedro and Adam played cops and robbers till the sun went down. At the end of the sunlight, Adam realized how late it was and how much fun Pedro had been. It was then that Pedro kissed him, once on the lips as they were saying goodbye.
“Heh. It was fun being cop to your robber, especially when you stole the million dollars worth of newspapers. ” Adam explained. He stood near the gap in the fence looking towards home.
Pedro looked at him and said “Is great fun here, my folks used to let me play in places like the all the time back home, before we moved.”
Adam adjusted his shorts and moved through the gap, Pedro behind him.
“It’s not worth going home without a present” Pedro said “Let me give you one”
Then Adam was kissed on the lips, and that was it. Love.
On the way home, after a few more kisses with Pedro, Adam had wondered what he would tell his mother. Playing with Girls was allowed but what about kissing boys and Enjoying it?
He never had to tell her. He took one look in her eyes and she knew. She asked how the park had been. He said good and left it at that. Pedro and Adam played cops, robbers and kisses for all of summer. Till school came back and then he never saw Pedro again. A sad day, but Pedro had taught Adam what he was and how to live with it. Normally. It was a great gift he used though all his relationships with boys from then on. His mother was always proud that he just dealt with being gay like it was natural as apples. Though it had not made high school easy, it wasn’t really as hard thanks to Pedro.
It was a cloudy day, one perfect for shopping. I was nervous about it. I knew I needed a decent dress, but I could easily buy online, why did I have to go to the store? Because I needed to see if I was still the same size. I hadn’t changed for years, not since I was 18. But I need to check. I thought to myself.
Devine your a basket case. There I go again, putting myself down. Why? I need to stop it. I am a young, confident, women, who can do this I am strong.
Now just need to actually step into the Mall.
I walked out of the bus station and put my iPod on. I got it to play my “confidence”, playlist. I took confident strides in my custom made ballet slippers and denim skirt, my tight red jacket hugging me and my chest in. I am woman, hear me roar.
I walked into the mall and almost came to a complete stop.
Malls terrify me. Markets, they are fine. City walk, it’s a breeze. But step into the Canberra Centre and enter the Second worst Mall in Canberra. The first being Belco Wesfeild, I call it the Darth Mall since they changed the deco to look like a inside or a gay mans Death Star.
I alway notice the deco first. People I can handle. But bad decoration? I hate it. The Darth Mall makes me feel trapped, Canberra Centre makes me feel like I am in a bad disco for poorly coordinated clowns at a xmass party. Everything in mall is marble, carpet, concrete, glass and whitish paint. Exception Belco were it’s black or grey. Canberra Centre added to the horror with hanging things off walls and from the ceiling. Great advertising boards full of exceptionally pretty people or large post modern art deco things that look like they defy style more than they should defy gravity. Worst is that they hung lights and things in the sculptures, leaving macabre horrors in shadows on the walls. Right, hotel ces la potty, it’s time to march.
I walk up the escalator, spending little time looking at everyone else. I so don’t want to meet my friends or enemies here today. This is Canberra. Four Mall city ( if you don’t count DFO) which I don’t since you need a car. I am never driving one of those things, but that’s a story for another day.
Need to keep focus or I will be at the store and Chicken Run and have to start again next weekend, which will be worse as I will have to go with my mother. She’s a lovely women, but her sense of style is worse then a mall designer. Says the girl in the denim dress. Ok, ok, so it’s not that bad, I just don’t want her fussing over me like a school of cleaner fish. She always has to cop a feel if my boobs too. It’s like she still think I got them done without her knowing. I was a very late bloomer. Didn’t even have a period till I was 17. My boobs came in when I was 18 like mountains that suddenly knew were there place was. It was almost like waking up with a pair of new … We’ll boobs, really.
Because of that I have never really been comfortable about being in this body. It seems like somehow it took over and my mind was all that was left. The whole school used to tease me about being a boy. I even acted like it sometimes. Played the rough games, drank the boy drinks, even managed to make captain of the mixed lacrosse team in my high school. I was thinking about playing in Uni as well soon as class starts in the new year.
I was in the final month of my gap year out of school and now I had to buy a dress. Thats a shock. I used to wear dresses all the time as a young girl. Till I started getting teased about really being a boy. Then I stopped. I went on to develop my style. That’s this. Denim skirt or pants, purse or wallet. Then red leather jacket, green or pastel shirt for winter, white or pale grey for summer with a light grey or pastel skirt. I never could keep on pretending I wasn’t a girl when my boobs came, which is why I kept with the skirts. Despite the teasing I knew I was a girl and the goddess would reward me someday with a wonderful bust. My girls grew pretty quickly and I was always thankful for them.
I was at the store.
My iPod still playing I quickly turned it off. I put it away in my purse and slowly walked into the store. Designer shoes intoe.
I didn’t think this was the right time for this, but when my best friend said he was getting married I had to get a decent dress. It means so much to him that I be there when he gets tied to his love. They are made for each other.
A plumber and a wine merchant, it was a match made in heaven. The one supplied the need for the other. They had met a my very hastily organized 19th birthday in January, and now both of them were madly in love. It was sweet, happy, and they had plenty of cash. It was also A Greek wedding. Heh. The mothers were loving every minute of their kids getting together. They even had iconic names, Adam and Steve. The puns could keep the bank full forever. Gay to be wed friends aside I was I the store and thankfully my thoughts had kept me distracted enough to look at this dress. It was my size. It was new. It was a healthy shade of pastel blue. It was what I needed. Now to get it. That’s the hard part. I hoped I didn’t start crying.